Wednesday, February 05, 2003
i remember i was 6 years old when my mom saved me from drowning. we were on vacation in san antonio and staying at the holiday inn on the riverwalk. 6 years old i'm pretty sure. it was summer time and her and i were out by the pool. i was supposed to be in the kiddie pool, but, ignoring the signs and my mom's own chiding, i was running around the edge of the main pool. she was sitting in a deck chair, fully clothed, reading one of her mystery books. agatha christie, i'm guessing. finally, on my third trip around, i slipped and fell in the deep end. i should've known how to swim, but i didn't. i remember sinking straight to the bottom like a stone. the sun shown down through the water like a cracked mosaic. i could feel the water going down my throat for what seemed like an eternity. it was probably not more than 2 seconds later that my mom jumped in the pool, clothes and all. she came through that sun and water like a dolphin and scooped me up. she put me on the side of the pool and hit my back. i was practically throwing up water. who knows what kind of fear was going through her whole body when she saw her son lying at the bottom of the pool. i remember all this like it was yesterday. more like it was a dream that i had yesterday. that night we stayed in the room and ordered room service. everything seemed new and fresh. there was a sense that we both had this renewed lease on life. i sat on the bed, eating french fries and drinking a milk shake. we stayed up late and watched logan's run; that movie about people who couldn't see much of a point to life past 34.
now i'm almost 34 and my mom is in the hospital for another round of chemo treatments. the doctor has now told her that it is realistic to assume that she has roughly 2-6 months to live. we spoke tonight. i guess there's not much more to say about it. she's not one for the sentimental pap. she wouldn't like me making a big show or blubbering on about all the sorrow and sadness or the "it's all going to be alright" nonsense. she gets enough of that from her church friends. she knows it's not all going to be alright. i know it too. and that's alright. sometimes, it's all you can do to jump in a pool and save your dipshit 6-year old son. or call your mom and tell her you love her.
[posted at 11:32 PM]
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Monday, February 03, 2003
happy birthday szot.
you're already richer
than most people are wise
keep the oil burning
and the lights on tight
it takes a lot to stay living
without a guaranteed prize
[posted at 11:52 PM]
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Sunday, February 02, 2003
the space shuttle must be stopped. good essay that takes into account yesterday's tragic events. hell, i think nasa should be stopped.
[posted at 12:09 PM]
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Saturday, February 01, 2003
currently reading or trying to read or sitting on my nightstand mocking me:
writing down the bones - natalie goldberg
the name of the world - denis johnson
the information - martin amis
a cure for gravity - joe jackson
the progress of love - alice munro
the short stories of ernest hemingway
if he hollers let him go - chester himes
the art of fiction - john gardner
where i'm calling from - raymond carver
[posted at 9:36 AM]
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lonanne still sort of sick. william coughing. she took him to dr. yesterday. more cough medicine. they always say that it's allergies. but he's been coughing like this for 3 months. i really wanted to be there when the dr. said "allergies." cooler heads prevailed, and lonanne convinced her to prescribe some stronger cough medicine and some anti-biotics. it's most likely a lingering sinus infection. but what the fuck? we have to go to the dr. 3x to get the right fucking answer??? i know the doctors are overworked and the hmos are sons of bitches about paying out on anything, but it wasn't always this way. or was it?
[posted at 9:34 AM]
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Thursday, January 30, 2003
i don't mind coding, but i absolutely hate talking about it. it's not just the general geekiness of it, although that sometimes does make me wince. the reality is, i just don't want it to consume that much of my life. i've got friends that want to talk about it like religion. hey, i just figured out how this whole j2ee thing works. or java vs. .net. or linux vs. microsoft. or let's talk about OOP. guess what? i could care less. in a certain context (at work) i care b/c it's how i make money to support my family. but i want it to be like that little sandbox. you get in and get sort of dirty and play with some of the toys. then you get out and you leave the dirt and the toys there. some people want to carry the toys around with them. they pull 'em out at lunch and want to show me. hey look, it's a fucking blue truck. yeah. i see it. it's a blue truck. where's the sandbox again? i'm sure this'll get me in trouble at work. hey co-workers. hey boss. i really love my job and i'll be a good robot for the 8-10 hours a day you've got me. i'll try not to be a fuckup. i can code pretty goddamn fast and i'm not an idiot. the rest of the time is mine. and there's a whole life out there.
[posted at 11:40 PM]
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i don't have any decent comments about the state of the union. i've spoken to some people who liked it or who have told me other people liked it. i guess there are a lot of polls out, but i haven't kept up with any of them. i sat in class and was perfectly happy to bash the way bush says "nukular." that's still amazing to me. and depressing. also his astonishing leaps in logic. we're going to cut taxes so we can pay for a bunch of bloated gov't programs and a possible war. i feel like there's a huge gap between his rhetoric and what he actually ends up doing. maybe that's just the cynic in me. he's actually going along quite a bit with the u.n. while mouthing all this heavy "good vs. evil" language. i've thought about it all so much and feel pretty much powerless over the whole situation. should we go to war with iraq? not now. maybe later. that's about the best i can come up with. seems like, so far, the gov't is doing the same thing. i know. i know. i've stood up for bush in the past. i honestly don't think he's an idiot. if that makes me a raging sociopath, so be it.
[posted at 11:32 PM]
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Monday, January 27, 2003
the site was down due to that crazy-ass sql server bug. or virus. whatever. my hosting company sucks. gearhost. that's right. it sucks. but, it's cheap and they know they've got me on the price. just not reliable. so, that's why site was down. email was also unavailable. my apologies to the 2 people who look at this site.
here's the latest story. first assignment for class.
more ideas for short story titles:
everything i learned the hard way
breakfast tacos
don't take my word for it
voice mail
it didn't mean anything
[posted at 10:38 PM]
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damn damn damn damn damn.
[posted at 8:11 PM]
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Sunday, January 26, 2003
well, it's super bowl sunday. la is sick so i may have to stay home and watch from my couch. so far, i've won $40 from betting on the raiders. thanks rob. $20 more on this game. several people have questioned my raiders loyalty and my interest in football in general. as for the first jab, i need only point back to that time in college (this would be the summer of 1992 for all you tykes who were in the chess club way back then) when i was THROWN IN JAIL for an altercation involving my raider's baseball cap. as for the second, it's true, i have been avoiding major league sports for the better part of 5 years. why the sudden turnaround? for me, it's really the noticeable underdogs. the raiders were underdogs all season. scrappy and old like the wild bunch. gannon is a career journeyman who will get the MVP award. rice was kicked off the 49ers b/c he was too old. romonowski has 4 super bowl rings. many considered this tim brown's last year. jeez, it's like a whole team of john elways. as for basketball, there's the mavericks. another scrappy set of cast-offs and under-valued white guys who came to be treated like kings. they won 14 games in a row at the start of this season. they've schooled everyone from yao to shaq in how to play the game. and they're also not quite what you'd expect and not nearly as popular as the overrated lakers or the equally-overhyped yao. anyway, i'm sure i've missed plenty of seasons of underdogs. somehow, i've just come to need them more.
[posted at 12:19 PM]
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things i noticed this week:
girl scout cookies are a total rip. at least by 27 cents. here's the real thing though: i don't want them.
everyone's a critic. the trick is finding people who can mirror and improve your own internal critic.
when raising kids, it's important to separate your own frustrations from discipline. is the orange juice spilled all over the floor really worth getting that upset about? it seems like it is if you've had a bad day. better to clean up the orange juice and tell them it's o.k. now there's a lesson.
what do boy scouts sell? my son asked me this and i didn't have a good answer.
a zen saying: eat when you eat. walk when you walk. talk when you talk. and die when you die. i would add to this: write when you write. don't let other things distract you from the moment.
office gossip gives you this feeling of control over events that are peculiarly random. it's no different than gambling. you speculate as to why this guy got fired. maybe it was just that he sucked. people will consume hours trying to rationalize the event. the boss didn't like him b/c he questioned everything. or the company is going down and we need to save money. i think carnegie said "don't saw sawdust." if you want to know, go ask the boss. if you don't like his answer, tell him. or don't and go about finding a different job.
i'm good at figuring things out on the fly, but absolute shit at remembering how i did something. every complex task feels like deja vu.
my wife has a tough job. i try to help balance things out, but she gets the kids ready in the morning and picks them up from school in the afternoon. that's a big deal. i know b/c this week she's been sick in bed and i've had to do it. i'm exhausted. don't underestimate walking in someone else's shoes. it's cliched, but powerful.
that "don't saw sawdust" bit seems to apply well to my job, but not to my writing. writing seems to be all about sawing sawdust. even ingesting it.
[posted at 8:43 AM]
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