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Wednesday, February 05, 2003
i remember i was 6 years old when my mom saved me from drowning. we were on vacation in san antonio and staying at the holiday inn on the riverwalk. 6 years old i'm pretty sure. it was summer time and her and i were out by the pool. i was supposed to be in the kiddie pool, but, ignoring the signs and my mom's own chiding, i was running around the edge of the main pool. she was sitting in a deck chair, fully clothed, reading one of her mystery books. agatha christie, i'm guessing. finally, on my third trip around, i slipped and fell in the deep end. i should've known how to swim, but i didn't. i remember sinking straight to the bottom like a stone. the sun shown down through the water like a cracked mosaic. i could feel the water going down my throat for what seemed like an eternity. it was probably not more than 2 seconds later that my mom jumped in the pool, clothes and all. she came through that sun and water like a dolphin and scooped me up. she put me on the side of the pool and hit my back. i was practically throwing up water. who knows what kind of fear was going through her whole body when she saw her son lying at the bottom of the pool. i remember all this like it was yesterday. more like it was a dream that i had yesterday. that night we stayed in the room and ordered room service. everything seemed new and fresh. there was a sense that we both had this renewed lease on life. i sat on the bed, eating french fries and drinking a milk shake. we stayed up late and watched logan's run; that movie about people who couldn't see much of a point to life past 34.
now i'm almost 34 and my mom is in the hospital for another round of chemo treatments. the doctor has now told her that it is realistic to assume that she has roughly 2-6 months to live. we spoke tonight. i guess there's not much more to say about it. she's not one for the sentimental pap. she wouldn't like me making a big show or blubbering on about all the sorrow and sadness or the "it's all going to be alright" nonsense. she gets enough of that from her church friends. she knows it's not all going to be alright. i know it too. and that's alright. sometimes, it's all you can do to jump in a pool and save your dipshit 6-year old son. or call your mom and tell her you love her.
[posted at 11:32 PM]
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Monday, February 03, 2003
happy birthday szot.
you're already richer
than most people are wise
keep the oil burning
and the lights on tight
it takes a lot to stay living
without a guaranteed prize
[posted at 11:52 PM]
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Sunday, February 02, 2003
the space shuttle must be stopped. good essay that takes into account yesterday's tragic events. hell, i think nasa should be stopped.
[posted at 12:09 PM]
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Saturday, February 01, 2003
currently reading or trying to read or sitting on my nightstand mocking me:
writing down the bones - natalie goldberg
the name of the world - denis johnson
the information - martin amis
a cure for gravity - joe jackson
the progress of love - alice munro
the short stories of ernest hemingway
if he hollers let him go - chester himes
the art of fiction - john gardner
where i'm calling from - raymond carver
[posted at 9:36 AM]
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lonanne still sort of sick. william coughing. she took him to dr. yesterday. more cough medicine. they always say that it's allergies. but he's been coughing like this for 3 months. i really wanted to be there when the dr. said "allergies." cooler heads prevailed, and lonanne convinced her to prescribe some stronger cough medicine and some anti-biotics. it's most likely a lingering sinus infection. but what the fuck? we have to go to the dr. 3x to get the right fucking answer??? i know the doctors are overworked and the hmos are sons of bitches about paying out on anything, but it wasn't always this way. or was it?
[posted at 9:34 AM]
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